I Was Right

Have you ever done something you thought you were good at? Something that you have done for like 30 years? Something that you thought you did pretty well? And then someone comes along and tells you that you aren't doing so well and they might ask you to stop.

Ever have that happen?

Yeah, well, it sucks when it does. It really, really, REALLY sucks.

This summer is going to really suck ... Excuse me while I go roll up into a ball and wail for a bit.

Those Long Dog Days ...

The summer of 2006 is not going to be fun. I can just tell. It is going to be long and trying and stressful.

Why?

There is just too much trouble a brewing in too many lives that touch mine. First, of course, there is my own personal journey that just jumped tracks. And I am not talking train tracks or race tracks. I am talking roller-coaster tracks. Life was on the little kiddy coaster and now it is on the super duper loop coaster.

My friend Lemming is having diss. woes. My friend Brain is having his own crisis. The Queen of the Dweebs is a bit adrift and Carol, the Ancient Yuletide Troll, had her own smack upside the head recently.

Sometimes it is just too much. If only I could think about it all at Tara. Everyone needs a Tara, don't you think? Where the hell is my Tara?!

Those long long days ...

I am bored. I am bored and tired. I am bored and tired and going a little crazy.

That is the day I am having. Which only leaves you to wonder a bit. Am I really doing what I should be? Yes, though I wish there was more performing and less admin. Still, the idea of building an audience for my core theater is kind of exciting. We have 100 seats. We do 18 performances a run. Surely there are 1800 people out there for each show! Even 1440 would be nice. I mean, Houston is a huge city. Where are those 1440?

Lemming questioned about what she was doing with the rest of her life. I sometimes wonder what I have been doing with my life so far. Why I made the detours I did away from a life in the arts. Why I didn't make or understand other personal decisions earlier, like 6 or 10 years ago.

I don't know if there is an answer to any of that. Most times I see where the roads in life have brought me, think about the friends and family that surround me and then think what would probably not be there had I done things differently at any given time. When you see those things of value gone and it is hard to imagine what value may or may not replace it, it kind of makes you think it all just works out. Maybe not for the best, as they say, but it all just works out.

If a Tree Falls in the Woods ...

If a blogger blogs, but no one reads it, are they a blogger?

I don't think anyone reads my blog anymore. Not surprising really. I joined the blogsphere last year some time, and posted for a while, but found the things I wanted to blog about would be fleeting when I was at a computer, even if they were witty and abundant while, say, stuck in traffic.

At that time, I know I had a few readers. The Queen Mother for one, and Lemming would comment every so often.

Then I fell of the tracks.

I came back to the blogsphere just after my birthday. I had an odd need to be a part of the whole thing. I also had a big epiphany about my life, and needed some kind of outlet to talk about it. Which I did in metaphor, but pretty obvious, blatant metaphors.

I added my blog to sig lines in e-mail and started posting on other blogs to help announce my return, but have received no comments here. Not on the blog and not directly. No Lemming. No Queen Mother or Queen of the Dweebs. No Carol, the Yuletide Troll. Though Carol and QOTD probably didn't read before.

I suppose some of those folks are reading, know what I am talking about and are waiting for me to say something before they do themselves. So if they are, I hope they realize it is a big something to say out loud and are patient with me.

It may seem silly that it is so hard to say. Some will tell me it was painfully obvious, which makes me feel much like a fool, but there you have it and there it is.

Who are we really?

So, I was working with The Brain yesterday, as in Pinky and the Brain (I am Pinky), and he said to me, "Do you ever wake up and wonder who the hell you thought you were and who the hell are you now that you aren't who you thought you were."

"Why yes Brain, I have done that. Not too long ago, but no one believes me when I say I am Celopatra, Queen of the Nile."

Well, I didn't quite say that, but I did say that this has happened to me and none to recently. I really did think I knew who I was, who I was gonna be, and who I was expected to be.

Then 10 years ago I meet someone who didn't believe I was who I said, thought and expected to be. Of course they were wrong and I was right, and the mental tail spin of confusion they created was poppy cock.

But then, one day earlier this year, as the vortex of confusion and doubt was restarted by the presence of a new person in my life, I made myself face the reality that I am not exactly who I said, thought or expected to be.

Now I just have to get used to who I am ...